Sticks and Stones

Sticks and Stones may break my bones,
But your words shall never hurt me.
Im stronger than you are. You may say youve found better. But you havent. Your still weak. You stay fixated on this, constantly berating me like no tomorrow. Yeah, Ive never been called a cunt before in my entire life, and you, of all people say it. Congrats, youve lowered yourself too. But you know what? Im over you, Im moving on with my life and starting anew, even though you all left, Im moving on. Im not going to fixate on something that will never change. Im going to hold my head high will you grovel in this hole. I have a best friend and the most amazing boyfriend in the fucking world.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

I need a title!

My first song?
XD

I see you walk to me.
A smile spreads across your face.
Your eyes light up,
and my heart leaps.
My hero.
Your arms wrap around me,
warm and safe.
You kiss my forehead as I look into your eyes.
Love.

(Chorus)

Oh baby hold me close
never let me go.
Let me love you.
Let's walk together, hand in hand
for eternity.

We sit in your car,
you let me sing.
Always a smile on your face.
Pure happiness.
You turn to me,
And kiss me hard with your love.
Don't stop the car,
let's keep driving together.

It's Our Time Now

I love you so much.
Words are difficult to explain, but you've shown me your love for me in so many ways they I can't even count them all on my hands. We deserve each other. And No one is allowed to deny that. You've changed the way I used to think about myself. Ive broken out of my shell and now Im flying free.

All I can even say now is that,

I love you.

The Holiday Season. . .

Ugh, Holiday's. Do people really like the entire rush of travelling and seeing everyone again? Or do we just do it because we think it's right? I think it's really, a change of pace. I mean, I like it, to a degree of course. It's just, the holidays show who really cares and who doesn't.

Last year, I used all of my savings, slaved over hours making cards for the people I love. And what did I get? Virtually nothing. My best friend was going to write me a story but completely forgot about it. No one really came through. I'm not trying to rant over material things. Im just trying to get past that it shows who puts that effort for you. I did. And I got nothing? Well, shows who loves you. Shows who is really close to your heart.

Now, I don't look forward to anything. Just everyone else being happy, and me, just kinda sitting there. Im not wasting my time and money again this year. It's not worth it.

Happy Fucking Holiday's

FML

I seriously feel like total shit right now.
I want to die.
I almost did tonight after falling form putting lights up. I wish I had snapped my neck. Maybe then I could stop feeling this way. There is no place for optimism for me right now. I feel no hope.
Ive lost her
I fucked up
Once again.
Good job Ashleigh, you fucked up more shit. Real smooth.

*~If I were to die tomorrow, what would you regret not telling me?~*

Drama. . . hahaha!

Im noticing my blogs are getting ever so much shorter. . .I guess I have less to let out because I feel better? Possibly. I don't know. Oh well, I'm just going to keep going on with my life and move on as every day is a new adventure.
Believe me, today was quite an adventure.
Ugh.

(Im using first names only. Pronouns would prolly kill EVERYONE hahaha)

So, this afternoon, I come home in a spectacular mood, I pour myself a bowl of frosted cheerios (:D) and sit down to enjoy my lunch. But no, I get a message from Amanda, a good friend of mine. The message says "Paige said that Nick's cheating on you" My heart drops. As soon as I read it I knew it couldnt be true. But, my head started to turn "Was that why he was so happy? because he was getting it from someone else?" I pushed the thought out of my head and texted amanda back and asked who she heard this from. This girl named Vicki who doesnt favor me much. I knew it couldnt be true because she didnt like me. I then asked a very very good friend of mine to tell me what was really going on. 5 minutes later Nick calls me and explians he would never cheat on me. And I just actually recieved a text from Vicki saying she didnt mean any of it.

Gotta love Hooksett kids and their drama :) hahahaha

Opennesss :D

Im going to open and honest. well, I have been. But Im going to be even more honest. Im in a good mood and it all needs to come spilling out of me.

This morning was meh. I wasnt feeling too hot, but I kept it up for Amy because she wanted to strut her stuff to scott :) I lover herr

I saw Nick today too after like, 4 days. And it was great. He missed me and I missed him. And then. . we kinda lost track of time talking and ended up getting to school at 7:41. haha I hatee losing track of timeee. Oh well, it was worth it :) I missed him sooo much.

MOD B NEEDS TO FUCK ITSELF.
Bahhhh So annoying. I walk in and Im like great. This is going to end badly. And sure enough, it did. Awesome. Way to say that in front of everyone. Why do you do that? You say things that should be PRIVATLY done and you go and just blare it to everyone. Three times youve done this. Im really getting sick of it. You make it weird and awkward for everyone else and no one likes it. You have something to say to me or Nick, pull us aside and at least be nice about it instead of being an ass.

The rest of my day was pretty mellow. Until Tory sideswiped Nick's truck. . .
I love that tank :(
it better get fixed, I love driving it!
Hopefully tomorrow my feet wont hurt and I'll be able to take on anything else that comes my way.
Optimism!! :D

It's my time now. .

This blog is going to be very personal to me, and to those reading it. It's a very serious matter to me, and if your just going to read between the lines and try to understand what Im trying to say, then leave now.

My entire life, Ive had to give up literally everything. My childhood was taken away from me by three other people. I taught myself to braid my hair, and I always had a book by my side, I knew I was never the center of attention. I was isolated a lot and ridiculed by family for the longest time. It was hard growing up, I never got what I wanted, it was always for them.

When I started going to school and make friends, I sat in the back, not bringing attention to myself because, what was the point? You going to get laughed at anyway. Friends were difficult to come by because they were differnt from me, I just never really got along with them. In Middle and High school, the real pain began. By then I had very close friends whom I had loved greatly. Because they knew this, I had to listen to them. I had to help them. I had to give up everything for them. And when I called for help, They just kinda, walked away. Given, they did help a lot. But it wasnt always enough.

Even now, the thing I want most is someting no one else wants. Well, you know what? I DONT CARE. There's something that finally makes me happy and actually feel better about myself. Someone I dont have to sacrivce all my time to, he listens to me too and does help me. Im done giving up everything. I never got what I wanted. It's finally my turn to make the choice I want. And, if you cant accept this, then Im sorry. My best friend is enough for me and I love her so much. She cares and wont leave. She loves me for who I am and listens to me and helps me. She pulled me out of shit, and I did too. She let me be selfish every once and a while. Something I never did. I finally broke free. And I feel a million times better. Im happy, Ive made my choice. Youve all made yours. I hope you think it's the right one.

*~It's now my time to choose what I want. And now Im going to take it.~*

Turkey Dayy!!

Happy Turkey Day everyone!
You all better be making the lists your thankful for. Im making mine RIGHT NOW. :)

Amy, You are by far the best friend I have ever had. Im being honest. Probably more than Katie. And to explain this, When she moved, it put a mass strain on our friendship, and we tried to work it out, when shit would go down, we never really talked about it and just moved on. Nothing really got. . .fixed. And then you started dating Taylor and it got worse. I was sleeping over and yu spent two hours on the hone with him. i dont know why it bothered me, it just did. I kinda felt the shaft that hes higher than me. And no I know for sure he really is. And now Ive accepted it. When I realized it, I ws down and out. The BOOM Amy showed up :) and she turned my life around completly. You sat there and listened to me and helped me. Even with Nick, as much as it hurt to sdee him look at me with those eyes, you were still there. And that shows your a TRUE friend. A sister, really. And I lvoe you for it. Im sticking by you too no matter what, because I love you and we need each other to breathe. You will aways be above Nick. Always, you came in and saved and changed my life to such a degree that I dont know if Nick could do that. So to tell you now, no matter what happens with Scott, I'll support you if your together and I'll catch you if you fall, because that's what love is, we stick tgether no matter what. I love you <3

Nick, I am so thankful to have you, by choosing you, I see who really matters to me and how much people care. And they don't, if thay can just leave like that, so are they really worth it? I guess not. So, you, you make me so goddamn happy that it almost unbelievable. it really is. I never thought I could smile like this again. When we were together ast night, you knew how hard it was for me to get happiness in my own home. So you shut the tv off, and said, "go to sleep babe, I know you need it."
"No, Im fine, I want to talk with you, I wanna be here"
"You are here, and You never get sleep at hime, you need it, and Im giving yo what you need."
Right then and there I caved and fell asleep, the next thing I know your shaking me awake saying its time to go. You care so much, that your willing to give up time for m to get the sleep I need. That just proves to me that your worth it. I can see our future and Im excited, I can see it working this time. And Im so happy for you and thankful I have you in my life :) <3

Kevin, You still stuck by me and it makes me so happy that you have "They're being dicks, do what your heart says. Listen to it, it's usually right." Those words were the things ouve said to me and am so glad you did. I know I can always go to you and just come to your house and you'll let me sit down and talk and hang out. Because were friends and it's love. And alway know, Im here too to help you with Emily, or anything thats bothering you or you need help on. I will always stand by your side because you have with me to and I freaking love you so much for it. Thank for always being there for me. I really and thankful for you. I really am. <3

Now I see who you really are. . .

The title is basically self explainitory, I see without a clouded mind, what's really going on.

After talking with you last night for almost 3 HOURS. I see where your coming from and how you feel, and I feel as though I made a dent in that wall you built, we broke down together and facing the facct we have to deal with this. I understnad your choice. I know you tried and that you just can't. To be perfectly honest, I will always love you for what you did for me, you made a mark in my life, and seeing you go makes my heart break, but it's something you need to do and you can't do anything otherwise, if you change your feelings, just come to me and hug me. I'll know. I know you. So, to end this nicely and honestly, I'm going to miss you a lot, I really am, but happiness is in my grasp and I cannot let it go. And you understand that, and Im glad SOMEONE DOES. I will still always ask you to come back though, you know I never give up :P

YOU ARE AMAZING AND MAKE MY LIFE COMPLETE.
Amy I love you. :)
You have been there and we've gone through so muchh together. AND were going to Canada and LA. Im so stoked we get to be together even more :) I think Taylors right, when we go to Keene, were gonna be lesbians <3 But awesome ones :)
What we've gone though, tears, jealously, love, worry, all of it, you name it. We did it. And thats what makes us so close, we just are so alike, as Dylan says in our quest for boys, haha. But that's ok. We are able to work everything out for everything, we're always there for each other. I know that if something is ever wrong with me or I'm in a pickle, i call you, because you would rush right over to be there, because that's love, and you know I would do exactly the same, I came and visited you at work! How is that not love right there :)

You changed so much in my eyes. you stopped me and looked right at me and said "Im sorry I fucked you over, it wasnt right, and I didnt plan it the way I should have" I just wanted to cry. The look in your eyes, indescribable, but I'm going to try. The ice I had seen. Gone. Just gone. Same with today, you may have joked about it but your face lit up as soon as you saw me. And. . . just, wow. my heart felt so light, the sadness I'd been feeling for weeks and weeks, gone. You put on that face of hardness, like Ian, to cover what your truly feeling up, well, from now on, HONESTY IS OUR POLICY.
We need to tell each other whats really happening, and I wasn't either, Im not innocent either, we both need to work on this. If your as serious about this you tell me, this would be a breeze for you, just saying whats really on your mind and how you really feel. I have faith in you, I really do. I hope putting my heart on the line again will be worth it this time.

"And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today"



"If we could sit together a moment
And talk forever just to pass the time
I would smile as the shivers and chills run down my spine
With your eyes are locked on mine

Oh we will fill the metro skies with country air
And when you close your tired eyes I'll meet you there
I'll meet you there

Deep inside of you there’s a ruby glow
And it gets brighter then you and I will ever know
There’s a rushing sound that surrounds us when we walk alone
And it’s everything we've never known

Wander down the streetAnd I would be the pavement beneath your feet
If we could just be immobile for some time
And finally figure out the way we feel
About the missing puzzle pieces and cloudy question marks
It still looks a bit surreal"

Please let me go. . .

She walks down the stairs and sees the kitchen is piled high of dishes. She looks and sees no dinner. She cleans all the dishes and begins dinner for her family. Seems like a good mother right? The only thing; that is The Daughter. As she prepares dinner, The Mother comes rolling in.
“Why is dinner not ready yet?!”
“It is almost done, calm yourself.” The Daughter retorts.
“I’ll show you calm!” She grabs The Daughter and pins her to the counter.
“Please, let me go.” She begs.
“Not so wise ass anymore are you?” The Mother laughs. Her siblings hear the commotion and come into the kitchen. The three small children remain at the entrance.
“Get the fuck out of here or I’ll do the same thing to you.” The Mother screams, they run up to their rooms and slam the door, forced to hear the rest of this terrible ordeal.
The Daughter tries to break free of her mother’s grip but it is no use. The Mother then pulls out and exacto knife and digs a deep line in her forearm. The Daughter screams in pain.
“Please stop! Leave me alone!” She begs. Her Mother presses harder. A whimper escapes her mouth this time.
“Now look what people will think of you, you emo bitch! You freak! HAHAHAHA!!” The Daughter is able to break her good arm free and push her Mother away. She runs up her room and hides in her closet and begins to cry, she messages her boyfriend.
“MY MOM JUST SLICED MY ARM OPEN! HELP!”
His response?
“I’m at a friend’s party, we’ll talk tomorrow.”
She then tries to clot the blood and cries herself to sleep, with the fear She may come back and slice her to shreds.

Weeks later, The Daughter is working for a friend of the family’s. As is becomes later and later, she is finally free of her responsibility and may go home, she messages her mother this and takes the long drive home. Upon arriving home, she only wishes to eat dinner and go to bed. It has been a long day for her and she just wants to get some sleep. She enters the living room and her mother stands up.
“Why are you home so late?! You were with that boy weren’t you?!” she hollers.
“No, He left me, don’t you remember me crying?” The daughter asks.
“You cry so much it’s hard to tell for what.” The Mother retorts. The daughter ignores it and begins to go upstairs, completely lost of her appetite.
“Get your ass back down here, we need to figure out your punishment” She smiles. The Daughter turns around.
“You know how traffic is and the family wouldn’t let me go yet. It’s not my fault.” She says to her Mother, trying to defend herself.
“I’ll teach you not to talk back to me you stupid bitch!” She grabs her Daughters arm and squeezes. She wails in pain.
“Let me go! Please! I’m sorry!” Her siblings run upstairs and once again listen to these terrible events. Her mother smiles.
“Your sorry’s aren’t going to work for me today.” She throws her daughter against the wall and she hits her neck and back against the wall. Hard. She crumples to the floor. She tries to get back up when her mother picks her up and looks at her with a grim smile of evil.
“You’ll wish you were never born.” She throws her to the ground. The Mother then turns all of her large rings to the inside of her hand and slaps her Daughter across the face. She screams in pain and another flood of tears rush down her face. Her face is on the ground and she breathes heavily.
“Get back up you stupid cunt and fight back!” Her Mother taunts. The Daughter then finds the strength and gets back up to face her mother.
“Leave me alone. All you are is another bully. Don’t ever touch me again or I will do something so terrible that you cannot possibly imagine it right now because it is so terrible.” She says with serious sternness in her face. Her mother laughs. The Daughter snaps and hits her Mother in the stomach and runs up the stairs and once again hides in the closet crying. She will not sleep tonight. . .

No Cookies :(

Ahhhh Monday morning, how I loathe you. I decided I was going to try to shower in the morning because its overall easier, I get up at 5 in the morning, something I'm not used to and I actually feel energized, I feel asleep at like 11, but I still felt ready and alert, so I get ready for school, get there, sit in Amy's car then have a moderate day, mellow and nice, the way I like it. Drama free :]

MOD F I DIED.
I passed out, literally, I felt a mass overpowing exhaustion. I was like "noooo soo. . . tired!" then I went to French where we did something so confusing I was too tired to comprehend. As soon as that bell rang I fucking booked it to my car and drove home. As soon as I enter my bedroom *Boom!* collapse on the bed, with shoes still on. I decided, I'll lay down for about an hour then get to work on my paper and make cookies for Amy =]

I suddenly wake up, ITS 530 AT NIGHT
Fuck, I have a paper and tons of homework! And the cookies take like two and a half hours to make. Damn. No Cookies :(

*Subject change!*
Ive actually been thinking a lot today, not really paying attention in class (Of course =])
Anyway, Ive realized that even though I get so incredibly lonely, wishing I had someone to hold me close to them, to feel that purpose to soemone, for them to whisper in my ear "I love YOU and only you" I do miss that, A LOT really. I know it may sound superficial but I mean, who doesn't want that? That feeling that your needed by someone, that they live for you and want to hold your hand publicly and not ashamed. To hold you "Because I love you" It makes me sad. But here's the thing, I may want that, my heart will always have that slight emptiness, but why dwell on it? I shouldn't. That person will come along and make a mark in your life that you could never forget. And they'll stand there and wait for you no matter what. So why should I be sad now just because I don't have it now? I will eventually. So for right now, Im going to live my life to the fullest, not worrying about "I wonder if he likes me" "Do I look good enough for him?"
Fuck that. Im living my life the way I want to. Im not even considering dating anyone until at least Christmas, but thats if you really change my life, haha.

*Another Subject change!*
Im sorry for all Ive done to you. I should've worded everything differently. But I can't now, what's done is done, we must keep moving because life is not waiting. I was being such a bitch looking back now. My only excuse is that I was stressed and sick and tired of being sick and tired. But it's not really and excuse is it? All I can say now is Im so so so sorry, Im so glad we're friends again and we can actually have a conversation without any awkwardness. It fills me with joy that we can be like that, and after many tears and heartbreak, we put the pieces back together. When I said that, I was ripping my own heart out, I had to thrown what my heart thought away and think of my sanity, if I was to continue, I would have gone mad. I needed to break away, but at the same time, break my heart. And eventually feel even more heartbreak. Not the smartest move on my part. But now Ive learned, Ive learned from my mistakes and am going to be wiser and TRULY HONESTLY think EVERY POSSIBLITY THROUGH. I had to recently actually.
*More Subject change!*
(Im sure your annoyed by now :D Too bad!)
Ive been friends with this 19 year old boy for about 6 months, we talk a lot and we have some in common.
Here's the problems;
1. He's 19
2. He likes sex. A LOT
3. He's been arrested a few times.
4. he may have given me roses, but that's not gonna replace the arrests and the sex. Im thinking now!
5. He's done tons of drugs in the past.
6. He's a chain smoker.
It may seem we have nothing in common, but we do, he likes to read. Strangely. he like the same kind of music and we both hate the leading powers. (haha)
But, he asked me out, I had to decline him, Im not getting involved in ANOTHER messed up relationship.

"Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world"

Lazyy Sundayy

I hate Sundays. Mostly because most people don't have to do anything and it gives them time to think.

Blahh.

Why do you keep texting me? At midnight when your working, during school, to see if Im doing better.
What do you think? You broke my fucking heart, how am I suppose to feel. And why so sudden just up and one day "Hey, how you feeling?" If your trying to get me back, your efforts are wasted. Don't even bother trying to sweet talk me and beg.
If you get on your knees, I'll POSSIBLY CONSIDER forgiving you for the shit you did. Besides, your leaving in a month with no contact to the outside world, we'll lose touch and probably never see each other again, save me the pain and just say goodbye once and for all and get it over with. Instead of saying goodbye and coming back over and over.
But, if you need help DIER help, I'll listen. But Im not getting involved, it's not my business or my battle to fight, I've raised the white flag already, I'd been defeated, Im not going back into battle.

Im also feeling the self-conciousnss that Im once again losing touch with people.

I hate Sundays.

See That I Try

People make me angry.
They just do. It's like, they have so much to live for, and because they cant get that ONE thing, they go into a spiral.
WHY DO YOU NEED A GUY TO BE HAPPY?
I certainly don't. Why should anyone else? I mean, yeah it gets lonely as hell, but it's better than hurting all the time because of HIM. Im literally giving up men for a while. Im done getting hurt and fucked over.
I think you should too. As much as it hurts, he's not leaving his fucking girlfriend. And it pisses me off everyday that he doesn't. Don't get brought down because of him. You have so many people that love and make you happy.
Kevin.
Ian.
Taylor.
Dylan.
Brandon.
Me.
Is that not enough? I had NOTHING at one time, except you, and you didnt really want to be there because of Nick. And after I lost him, yeah I was pissed and sad, but I didn't let it consume me. I moved on and regained my friendships and found something to really smile about and live for. You should try it, it really makes a person happy.

Men. . . Hah. . . . So Overrated.

BIRTHDAYYYY XD

Yes, my birthday was yesterday, I finally turned 17. I feel like it's an accomplishment, but not one of the big ones, but it's up there I guess?
Anyway, This morning Amy was like "Im getting you a Pumpkin Latte!" Im just thinking, this girl legit does everything, And I don't like getting presents, I mean I do, I jsut feel awkward, Im not used to recieving so I dont really know what to say. But Yes Amy got me a Latte and Gone with the Wind. ONE OF MY MOST FAVORITE FUCKING MOVIES EVERRRRR!!!

And. . . Katie called me.
She wished me a Happy Birthday.
I was literally crying, my eyes filled with tears of pure joy from hearing her voice. I keeled over and died. I missed her so much. I cannot even explain how happy I was. My heart began to pound in my ears.

And of course, Nick had to make a comment,
In Psych I tell my friend Kyle it's my birthday. He wishes me a good one and we start watching the stupid video that Ms. Chokesondick made us watch. My phone suddenly vibrated and I was expecting a text from Taylor. Quite the opposite. Nick. Great.
"I said Happy birthday to you btw"
"When?"
"I Screamed it this morning"
"I would rather hear it kindly to my face"
"I didnt get anything"
"I wansn't expecting a gift from you anyway, were not dating"
"Ok"
The conversation ends for ten minutes.
"If you ever need to talk, I'll listen and dont make me brownies."
"What?"
No response. He keeps his head down and I return to Alice and Wonderland.


Later that night at my party:
New Text Meassage.
Nick: "You didnt wait for your Birthday hug btw, you walked away but happy bday and tell amy since I dont have her number fuck you thanks"
"You shouldve pulled me over. And why dont you tell her yourself? theres no reason to say that"
"Ok"
It ends for the last time and I havent spoken to him since.

Freaking A
Thats my day.
But my party was super awesome!!!
Ugh Im tired, My tea is ready and I need to lay down, I didnt sleep AT ALL last night. hahaha I was way too worried.



*~I feel like I have purpose, to hold my head up for a reason and for someone*~

She paints her face to hide her face. . .

So today was not was I was expecting at all. I was just hoping for a mellow day and just chill and get through school and get stoked for my birthday

HELL NO

My day was over all bad. Yeah I smiled, but I was hurting inside. Yes Taylor waited for me after mod A. THAT MADE MY FUCKING MORNING :D

He waited. Ah I feel loved again :)

Anyway, what turned my day is that my friend, how near and dear she is to me, was sad. So sad indeed. I tried literally EVERYTHING to cheer her up and pretty much all failed. I feel like a failure as a friend. But, I am I guess. I made mistakes that made them leave.

All throughout US History I was like "You need to smile, is he really worth it?" Because was he really? His behavior? Is it acceptable?

No. Most certainly not.
YOUR HURTING MY BEST FRIEND. STOP.
That's what I was to SCREAM to him.
Yes, Im angry, I really am. The way he's acting toward her is wrong. She deserves everything this world has to offer. She's beautiful and smart and funny and charming. I love her to death and will do literally ANYTHING to make her happy. And this guy isn't. He's being a douchbag. He walked right by us this morning. And I saw him looked. ASSHOLE right? That's what I said. And Im not ashamed of saying it either. He's an asshole and deserves nothing. He plays with hearts. Just like every other teenage man in Candia.

Anyway, I tried everything to make her just smile, everything.

Then what happens? She sees a friend for maybe a minute and bam her day is all better.

Were all my efforts wasted?
I tried everything to make you happy.
I love you so much. And no offense to you Taylor one bit I SWEAR IT.
Im just jealous, the fact she just brightens up that quickly, after I try all day long to help. I feel like I'm just talking to nothing and wasting my breath and energy.

But I'm going to keep trying.
Even if they arent appreciated. Because I'm never appreciated. But I keep going to prove to people I have a purpose.

Do I have a purpose anymore?

~*I'm never in the equation. Im always the x that gets discarded and *poof* dissapears. And the equation continues*~

Mistake

What have I done?
I've destroyed it.
What a fool I am.
What I had,
was glorious,
those close to me.
They loved me.
And what did I do?
Leave.
Abandon.
What a disgrace I am
To do such a thing
I regret what Ive done
Every moment
Im so foolish
I threw away those who matter most
I cannot believe myself
I was so strung up
In love
That I let them go
What is love anyway?
Was it really love?
Did I really love him?
Or did I just need someone to hold me?
Because no one else would.
I want to die.
They will not forgive me
I would notWhy should they?
What's the point?
I do not belong
I should leaveBut where?
Ive already been to hell and back
And it was terrible.
True horror.
All the tears shed
Oh, the tears.
How I miss you,
please forgive me.
I know it's difficult to believe
but please
Im sorry
I truly am.
I cannot begin to show you how sorry I am.
Please.
Forgive me. . . .

Still Standing

Sooo. . . . . Today was. . . Content? I guess you could say. I don't really know. But a lot of stuff happened last night, and Im glad it did.

Ian called me.
When my phone started vibrating i was think "Oh it's prolly Amy" but when I look at the number. . . . . . it's Ian. Odd? Yes very.
I picked up the phone and listened to what he had to say. It was magical (yes corny I know). He said he was here. He knew I needed someone. I was so happy. I missed him a lot. Im just so godamn stubborn. And i hate it. I was literally smiling the entire phone conversation, you made me feel welcomed again, like I had a purpose and a friend to talk to. Not just one to tell everything to. But you too. And Im so happy about that. I hope you have a small idea of how happy this makes me.

And to Katie, I don't think you will ever read this, but it needs to come out now instead of never.

You are my sister, I love you so much. And I can't believe I actually left. I can't believe myself. When the dust settled and I'd finally seen what I'd done, I was kicking myself
"Why do you have to be so godamn stupid! You Bitch! You let her go!" That voice screamed in my head everyday I thought of you. Which was every day. I shed so many tears because of my own doing. Because he made me "smile" for such a short time. I was so foolish. I only think with my heart. I think it was because I was feeling so isolated and so desperate for someone or happiness. When Nick swooped in, he came in and healed me. Or, at least did for a short time. And then, when he ended it, I was so angry, I couldn't control how I was feeling. that weekend, I just sat there with my uncles. I didnt speak or eat. I was. . . just. . gone. But now Im back. Katie, Im so sorry I know Iv'e been saying it overr and over but i need to Im sorry and I miss you and love you so much. I need you again. I miss staying up late eating some odd concoction we made while we laugh together as two sisters, living our lives in two seperate worlds but still one. I miss hugging and holding you. Us crying on each others shoulders when we need to. I miss dancing to our japanese techno music too. I miss our parties where we raped Ian and Brandon. I love you so much and beg for you to forgive me.
Im on my knees now. . .

Taylor, my god I feel so terrible for this. Like I said last night, I miss you so much! I think I hurt you the most because you had to watch me. AND you heard Nick talk about me. I will never understand how much that hurt you to hear than me completely ignoring it. Its my fault and I know it. Ive seen my error and connot live with it anymore. Everyday that I see you, even today, a pang rips through my heart of pain for what Ive done. Even today, I had to run to the bathroom so you couldnt see my tears. I miss laughing with you, being your friend and talking about how awesome Mr. Silvera is. I really do love you as a friend and you saved Katie. You pulled her up more than I ever could and I am forever in your debt because of that. There are even days where I just want to collapse in your arms and cry and knowing that you would hold me and talk me through it and help me gain the courage once again to go on and be happy.


Once again, I am so sorry for everything, all I've done, was indeed, bitchy and stupid and ignorant. I see it now, and Im so angry I didn't see it before. Im still kicking myself for it all.

Please forgive me. . . .

*So now it's time for me to spread my wings and fly away toward the light with my head held high*

Unbelievable

You've sunk this low.
I can't believe it.
You actually said that?
You were going to try and "Get me back"? YOU dumped ME. You really expect me to go back to that? I think not. You set me off. I could no longer control my limbs. The anger surged. I wanted to break your window. Smash it to pieces, just like you did to my heart. I kept pounding my feet to the ground. Unstoppable.
And you couldn't even look at me.
You coward. You use to always speak of how if someone gave you shit, you would stand up to them. Well, I did. And what did you do? Nothing at all.

Coward.

That's all I see you as. You had to lock the door and turn your music up. Im done with this, when I left, I was shaking, still no control over my body. I started to cry. As many looked on. I didn't care what they thought. You hurt me beyond repair.

But there is hope.

There is someone you know well, He's a sweetheart. He's kind. He may not know it yet, but Ive liked him for years. Since middle school. I just never really gained the courage to tell him. But now, with these open eyes, I think I can.

He makes me smile. TRULY smile.

And you may try to gain pity from me, you won't. the pity has dried up. It's gone

I hope you have fun with her, the short lived emotionless relationship you want with her.


*So now Ive hit the ground, neck snapped and blood pooling around. No one caught me. Surprised? Im certainly not.*

Finally. . .

I feel peace,

Happiness.

Finally, after all this time, it's happened. I feel free. A weight has been lifted off of me. I can finally spread my wings and fly and reach for what's there for me. I now know. It's true to me. You were not meant for me. you were a rebound. A recovery. and you shattered of what was left of my heart. But you know what? Now, I'm picking up the pieaces, and moving away from you, your negativity and hate, your self-loathing. I can smile again now. Not a fake one. One that truly shows my happiness.

I don't need you anymore, yes I miss you, but I needn't you anymore. It's my life. I don't have to share it with anyone. ic an be happy on my own.

With the few friends that remain, I know I can do it.

What We Had

Remember those days? When we would just lay there on your bed and stare at each other? Pouring our hearts out. Our pasts. Why we are the way we are. What makes us special. Heck, we were planning our future, sortaish. It was fun. I was so happy. And so were you.

When I would drive to your house along Whitehall and Chester, The whole way, butterflies; they would bust in and flutter away with excitment and with nervousness. Will I do something foolish? No, You would just smile at me and look at me with those eyes.

Remember when we helped your mom? We put up decorations. And you said "When we live together, I'll watch you put up the decorations in the cute way you are now. Because I can't. I just want to watch you." I almost fainted with happiness. When my uncle died, and I came back from the funeral, I was in all black, you made fun of me, you made me laugh after a day of tears. You played optimistic country music to make me feel better. and it did. That day was when i knew I could and would love you. I thought we would be like that forever. In love, with each other.

But that can't happen. All that's left now are memories. They make me cry, but they make me strong. I don't think we could ever be that happy again. The things you said to me, you did not mean, your pushing me away for some reason. I don't know why, I probably never will.

Remember those nights? Where you held me tight. you kissed my forehead and say "be happy, it could be worse"
"Yeah, I wouldn't be with you." at that moment you smiled and kissed me so hard. I couldn't let you go. I still can't. you may think you have, but your wrong, Im still here, I'll leave you "Alone" and if you do need me, you better get down on your knees and apologize and mean it. Im not going to fall in love again and get my heart broken. I gave you a chance, and you didn't even use it.

You may think I don't love you and that it's too soon for me to love, but don't ever question my love. I Still feel love for you. As creul as you were. You were not yourself. But, I guess it is what it is.

Now, Im going to walk with my head high, the tears have been shed, my heart has been broken and it's slowly fixing itself, no else is going to, so it's all up to me. I have to pick up MY pieces. MY life. No one's here, so it's up to me. I'll put on a smile and try to "Move on and get over it" as you so kindly say.

But, when you think back, remember those days and nights when we were together. Just think back and remember, why would you give that up? And if you could have it back, would you take it?

It's Over

I hope your happy now, youve ended it all. We worked so hard to try and make it work. And you just give up? Wow. Just wow. That makes me feel so great. I just can't believe this. but at the same time, I do. But now, I feel as though a weight of worry has been lifted, I know I was never good enough, I never am. In every relationship I remind him of some other love. Now I don't even fee like me anymore. but Im not going to let you bother me because my misery will just feed your satisfaction, that goes to multiple people that will probably never read this. but I hope they do, so they know how fucked up they made my life.

Now Im done, Im so fucking done with this bullshit. I dont even want to bother holding my language because Im so angry and frustrated. I can't stand people coming and going.

And the fact that you LAUGH at me. You fucking laughed at me because I got dumped so unexpectadly. I cannot believe you. That is a new low, even for you. Just seeing your smiling face as I told my friend about my misery you laugh. Unbelievable. You have no idea. Not one. He broke my heart OVER A TEXT MESSAGE. Like I dont feel like shit enough? Thanks. Just thanks so much for being an asshole.

Im leaving this weekend. I hope I never come back. . .

Im on my knees

What's wrong? Please tell me. I need to know. Something is inside of you. This torment, turmoil, I need to know. Don't you realize that by not telling me your hurting me? Im here to help you. I want to love you and help you through this no matter how hard it is. This relationship is not a one way street. It takes two people to make this relationship work. I can't do it alone and you can't either, and now that youve shut me out. . .I can't help you. My heart is breaking because you wont let me in. I feel isolated and not as important to you as i should feel.

I beg of you, please, PLEASE tell me, let me in your head, tell me everything, pour your heart out to me. Just please, Im on my knees now. You have to help me help you.

What a Situation

At the begining of junior year, I hadn't quite looked into the future as I should have. I din't know this was going to happen. As the new term began, I had a boyfriend(No names at all) For at least a year. At the time we were fighting frequently and trying to work things out. I was getting so frustrated that my body and welfare couldn't handle it anymore. I tried to end the relationship as calmly and as civilized as I could. I was very wrong. He took it terribly and would constantly call, text and torment me. Well, no quite torment, but just adding salt to the wound as I should say.

As the weeks pressed on, I was once again becoming self sufficient and able to take care of myself, at the time I was becoming extreamly close to my best friends ex. we clicked immediatly and began to talk at all hours of the day. I soon found out that he liked me and I liked him too. But, there was a problem. A close friend of mine overheard him speaking horrible things about me. Slandering me to no end. When I was informed, I couldn't handle it, I isolated myself and thought everything over. I went to see him the next day to tell him of this news. When I tild him he apologized. Not just apologize, really feel about this. I could see it in his eyes that the way he said it was creul and unkind. He knew. He promised me on our future relationship that he would never do that. the problem was that he didnt know me as person. He had only seen me as a cute girl at the time. but now he knows who I really am. I gave him a second chance. I believe in giving people chances.

When my ex found about my forgivness, he called and completely lost it. he screamed in my ear horrible things tha will never leave my head. these words are burned into my memory, they will never leave me. scarring me for eternity.
My best friend who doesnt live in the city whom I have known for many years had not met this boy. She had only heard things from what others haave said. She called me and said "If you continue to be with him, I will never speak to you again" Those words pained my heart and ripped it out then and there. I couldn't believe she said that. my closest friend, my sister. She said those words to me. I couldnt handle it. My head shoved the words away and forgot them. I decided to give her space and let things play themselves out for a while.

As weeks pass again, I was still becoming increasingly closer to this boy. He was so kind to me and helping me and supporting me. he would call just to make sure I was ok and that I was doing fine. My best friend who goes to school with me at one point did not agree with our friendship because she still had feelings for him. after many tears and talking, she finally accepted that they were over and that she can move on with her life. I was so happy to hear this. I was happy for her that she could move on te bigger and better things, she now is almost falling for my ex, but he does not see her, he sees someone else. It breaks my heart that he can be so blind as to not see what an amazing young woman in front of him and instead turns her away.

And now as we approach the present, I am now with this boy, we are indeed dating and he has lifted me up beyond anything. I feel it in my heart that he is in true caring. He sees me for ME. Not for what I look like, for who I am as a person, as a reader, writer, athlete and movie buff :) He likes me for my head, not for my body. He listens to me and supports me in this situation. He is constantly pushing me to reconcile with my friend. And he truly is kind. He may not show it on the outside, but inside, I see it. The sensibility he has is remarkable. He has been hurt in the past, the reasons for some of his actions, but now, I feel like Im changing that. As if I, was opening his heart again to what the world can truly offer and that it's not all cold and creul as he had thought. Wow, I am rambling, I need to get back on the focused topic.

Now that we are indeed together, I am ready to throw the towel in on the fact of my friends, they will not accept that I cannot leave him now, he needs me and I need him. As much as I miss her and want to speak to her again, I know she won't. Im so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Crying myself to sleep all the time is not helping me. I need to move on, to start anew. My heart is being torn up if i stay in this one attitude, I need to break away and spread my wings and fly up to new things.

What the future holds, I will never know, but I do know He will be graduating and it terrifies me that he will be leaving so soon, so right now, Im going to live it up. Live my life to the fullest. No day but today. We will be together, we'll be happy, I know that much for sure, and I know I do have a few people to back me up and catch me. She will be here for me. We have two more years together, and we'll always have each other. :)
That is the end of my first blog! Im happy now, it's all out there, I feel better, if you know that your in this, congrats for figuring it out, and if you have a problem, go shove it up your ass, I'm done with bullshit and drama. Im just going to keep smiling and living my life.