No Cookies :(

Ahhhh Monday morning, how I loathe you. I decided I was going to try to shower in the morning because its overall easier, I get up at 5 in the morning, something I'm not used to and I actually feel energized, I feel asleep at like 11, but I still felt ready and alert, so I get ready for school, get there, sit in Amy's car then have a moderate day, mellow and nice, the way I like it. Drama free :]

MOD F I DIED.
I passed out, literally, I felt a mass overpowing exhaustion. I was like "noooo soo. . . tired!" then I went to French where we did something so confusing I was too tired to comprehend. As soon as that bell rang I fucking booked it to my car and drove home. As soon as I enter my bedroom *Boom!* collapse on the bed, with shoes still on. I decided, I'll lay down for about an hour then get to work on my paper and make cookies for Amy =]

I suddenly wake up, ITS 530 AT NIGHT
Fuck, I have a paper and tons of homework! And the cookies take like two and a half hours to make. Damn. No Cookies :(

*Subject change!*
Ive actually been thinking a lot today, not really paying attention in class (Of course =])
Anyway, Ive realized that even though I get so incredibly lonely, wishing I had someone to hold me close to them, to feel that purpose to soemone, for them to whisper in my ear "I love YOU and only you" I do miss that, A LOT really. I know it may sound superficial but I mean, who doesn't want that? That feeling that your needed by someone, that they live for you and want to hold your hand publicly and not ashamed. To hold you "Because I love you" It makes me sad. But here's the thing, I may want that, my heart will always have that slight emptiness, but why dwell on it? I shouldn't. That person will come along and make a mark in your life that you could never forget. And they'll stand there and wait for you no matter what. So why should I be sad now just because I don't have it now? I will eventually. So for right now, Im going to live my life to the fullest, not worrying about "I wonder if he likes me" "Do I look good enough for him?"
Fuck that. Im living my life the way I want to. Im not even considering dating anyone until at least Christmas, but thats if you really change my life, haha.

*Another Subject change!*
Im sorry for all Ive done to you. I should've worded everything differently. But I can't now, what's done is done, we must keep moving because life is not waiting. I was being such a bitch looking back now. My only excuse is that I was stressed and sick and tired of being sick and tired. But it's not really and excuse is it? All I can say now is Im so so so sorry, Im so glad we're friends again and we can actually have a conversation without any awkwardness. It fills me with joy that we can be like that, and after many tears and heartbreak, we put the pieces back together. When I said that, I was ripping my own heart out, I had to thrown what my heart thought away and think of my sanity, if I was to continue, I would have gone mad. I needed to break away, but at the same time, break my heart. And eventually feel even more heartbreak. Not the smartest move on my part. But now Ive learned, Ive learned from my mistakes and am going to be wiser and TRULY HONESTLY think EVERY POSSIBLITY THROUGH. I had to recently actually.
*More Subject change!*
(Im sure your annoyed by now :D Too bad!)
Ive been friends with this 19 year old boy for about 6 months, we talk a lot and we have some in common.
Here's the problems;
1. He's 19
2. He likes sex. A LOT
3. He's been arrested a few times.
4. he may have given me roses, but that's not gonna replace the arrests and the sex. Im thinking now!
5. He's done tons of drugs in the past.
6. He's a chain smoker.
It may seem we have nothing in common, but we do, he likes to read. Strangely. he like the same kind of music and we both hate the leading powers. (haha)
But, he asked me out, I had to decline him, Im not getting involved in ANOTHER messed up relationship.

"Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world"