Still Standing

Sooo. . . . . Today was. . . Content? I guess you could say. I don't really know. But a lot of stuff happened last night, and Im glad it did.

Ian called me.
When my phone started vibrating i was think "Oh it's prolly Amy" but when I look at the number. . . . . . it's Ian. Odd? Yes very.
I picked up the phone and listened to what he had to say. It was magical (yes corny I know). He said he was here. He knew I needed someone. I was so happy. I missed him a lot. Im just so godamn stubborn. And i hate it. I was literally smiling the entire phone conversation, you made me feel welcomed again, like I had a purpose and a friend to talk to. Not just one to tell everything to. But you too. And Im so happy about that. I hope you have a small idea of how happy this makes me.

And to Katie, I don't think you will ever read this, but it needs to come out now instead of never.

You are my sister, I love you so much. And I can't believe I actually left. I can't believe myself. When the dust settled and I'd finally seen what I'd done, I was kicking myself
"Why do you have to be so godamn stupid! You Bitch! You let her go!" That voice screamed in my head everyday I thought of you. Which was every day. I shed so many tears because of my own doing. Because he made me "smile" for such a short time. I was so foolish. I only think with my heart. I think it was because I was feeling so isolated and so desperate for someone or happiness. When Nick swooped in, he came in and healed me. Or, at least did for a short time. And then, when he ended it, I was so angry, I couldn't control how I was feeling. that weekend, I just sat there with my uncles. I didnt speak or eat. I was. . . just. . gone. But now Im back. Katie, Im so sorry I know Iv'e been saying it overr and over but i need to Im sorry and I miss you and love you so much. I need you again. I miss staying up late eating some odd concoction we made while we laugh together as two sisters, living our lives in two seperate worlds but still one. I miss hugging and holding you. Us crying on each others shoulders when we need to. I miss dancing to our japanese techno music too. I miss our parties where we raped Ian and Brandon. I love you so much and beg for you to forgive me.
Im on my knees now. . .

Taylor, my god I feel so terrible for this. Like I said last night, I miss you so much! I think I hurt you the most because you had to watch me. AND you heard Nick talk about me. I will never understand how much that hurt you to hear than me completely ignoring it. Its my fault and I know it. Ive seen my error and connot live with it anymore. Everyday that I see you, even today, a pang rips through my heart of pain for what Ive done. Even today, I had to run to the bathroom so you couldnt see my tears. I miss laughing with you, being your friend and talking about how awesome Mr. Silvera is. I really do love you as a friend and you saved Katie. You pulled her up more than I ever could and I am forever in your debt because of that. There are even days where I just want to collapse in your arms and cry and knowing that you would hold me and talk me through it and help me gain the courage once again to go on and be happy.


Once again, I am so sorry for everything, all I've done, was indeed, bitchy and stupid and ignorant. I see it now, and Im so angry I didn't see it before. Im still kicking myself for it all.

Please forgive me. . . .

*So now it's time for me to spread my wings and fly away toward the light with my head held high*