Hermit

I'm so sick of people judging me because of who I hang out with. It's just like last year, and you know what? Im fucking DONE.

I hate the fact that I can only be friends by others standards. I'm not doing that anymore. Just because they treated you like shit because your a bitch, doesnt mean I cant be friends with them. It's called people change and dont always stay the same.

So, whatever, I'm not leaving, you are, so screw you.

Make the pain go away

My migranes are getting progressivly worse, I had one for 3 days and it just went away.

I need to see a doctor, but my parents don't believe me.

Help?

I love my life, and my summer

Best summer EVER.

I spent everyday with people I love, looked at amazing colleges, and went to a close friends wedding and watched the two of them express their love for one another.

And I love being with someone right now :) We're in love, and happy. We're working everything out and it makes me so happy.

I want to make school amazing too, I'm going to try my hardest and ignore those who want to bring me down.

For the first time, I look forward to tomorrow, the next step in my life. I want to keep going, and I'm going to make everything work to the way we deserve it.

Make it stop. make me dissapear. I don't want to be here. I'm dying.
I can't be here anymore. This house, I feel lost. Trapped.
I can't feel anything but anger. It's suffocating me slowly. Why do they do this to me? Why can't we just be happy? Why do we have to yell, fight, scream, hit?
I'm scared. Please make it stop.
I don't want to be here. It hurts too much to see this.
Someone save me please.

Memories call upon tears

I cant get this out of my mind.
It replays in my head all the time.
what can I do?
I don't want to sit here alone
but I cant do anything
I dont want to anger more people
I have to stay
and accept all my faults

A few days ago, I was struck by a memory. And I couldnt get it out of my head so I decided to dig further, knowing it would hurt. I took out an old video from my middle school, and watched it. I could not stop crying. I sat there for an hour watching the fallen faces of my friends. Seeing them all happy, with me, makes me so sad.
Then, I saw her. My heart felt like a lump and another flood of tears escaped my eyes. I couldnt control it. I miss her and I want to do something about it. But I know if I do, I will get backlash, severely. I did try though.

"We can never be friends again."

And It's all my fault.

This always happens, I come back from one of the most amazing weekends of my life, and everything crumbles when I get back. I've been hit full fledge on the reality.
In three months, he's gone.
An hour away. And I'm stuck here, trying to finish high school.

I don't have any idea what's going to happen come fall, and it terrifies me beyond belief.

I'm so scared.

it's a long run

So, I was talking to Amy today and she said,
"Ian's blog was so amazing that I couldnt contain myself. He even mentioned you." I thought to myself, 'let's be a stalker today' just kidding, I read it for curiosity to see if Ian was doing ok. Even though we dont talk, I still worry about his well being that he wont relapse.
Anyway, I read it and realized, a lot has happened in the past year. New relationships, old one dying, rekindeling(sp?)
I lost more people than I got, which, in reality makes me really sad. But then I rationalized AFTER I did the action.
If they can't accept my choice, why were you my friend? I mean, that Someone I wanted to try a relationship with, and you leave? It makes me so sad, but I wanted to give this a shot, thinking you'll see I'm happy and come back. I'm still hoping for that day I get the phone call.

I think, I changed for the better though. I remember when I would cut myself and feel the endorphins realese. I finally felt happy. But then, when people saw, I felt awful which made me want to cut more so I would feel better. I hid myself away and isolated myself with books. I grew out my hair so no one could see me. I hated myself, I could never express myself because I was scared of rejection. That was middle school and half of high school.
I started to go through my clothes too. I have A LOT of black haha. There's still fragments of the old me that wont ever go away(my love for books haha) but there's a lot of me that's new.

Someone I look up to is Lady GaGa. You may laugh, but she's such a strong woman. I know she dresses weird but it's who she is as a woman, and she doesnt give a damn what anyone thinks. Thats how I want to live. Carefree of what anyone thinks of me to help myself not relapse into my old way. I think she's so fantastic and strong. People may make fun of her but as she said "Let them think what they want, no one's opinion cares but my own." I look up to her, and one day, I hope I can.

Change is good for the Soul

I want to be fully happy.

I don't want regrets anymore for the decisions I make. They are my choices and I should be happy with them.

"You aren't going out tonight. I'm taking your car."
"Thanks for asking mum."

I'm sick of having choices made for me. I'm 17 years old, I may act like a child, but I know when to be an adult at the same time.
It also sucks because I feel like a normal teenager by hating my parents. But to be honest, does everyone elses Mum beat the shit out of them emotionally and physically.

Divorce brings out the evil in everyone.

Daddy, don't go. Don't leave me with her. Please Daddy, Save me.

I can't watch it anymore, I feel negativity flow within me. I need to fly. Feel the wind blow through my hair. Smell the ocean again and let it burn my nostrils.

Summer is too far away.

For now though, I turn on disturbed and let it flow through my veins.
Close my eyes and shut me down.
Let me float away in peace.

I needn't you

If your not my friend, stay out of my business and I don't need it disscussed around other people. Mind your own business and leave my life alone. You already left it once, just make up your mind.

We learn from mistakes

So. . . recently, Ive had a change. And, I'm not sure how to feel about it.

When I finally stood up for myself and told him to stop berating me, something happened.

She texted me. I was initally in shock and didn't know what to say or do. I still don't to be honest.
People have told me to stay away because I could get hurt again and have to go through the same emotional distress I did 2 months ago.

Part of me wants to go back to the way it was, but part of me is aprehensive and scared.

We need to talk about this.
I need to know WHY your sorry and what caused this.
I want to be there for you so badly, but I need to know face to face.

Sort of an update. . ish. .

I feel like now, with less major people in my life, I'm not as stressed out as I was. I'm not dealing with bitchy drama who wont get over boys, or the narcissitic assholes who try to change me. I feel much more simple. :)

I feel a new me coming :) I went shopping last week, and I didnt head for hot topic as soon as I got there, I did go of course, but it's not my major store. I want to express myself theough how I dress, and it makes me happy when people stop me and say "Hey, you look really pretty" It makes my heart leap and it makes me love myself for who I am. I care about how I look now and I feel amazing :D

I've also rekindled with old friends, many people don't like Brad, but he cares about me. I called him at midnight, crying, and he listened to me. He listened to me while he was getting out of work and stayed up to help me and I love him for that<3

Im not that sad little girl anymore who cuts herself to feel better. I have friends and a boyfriend who will listen to me. I was so upset yesterday, that I started to cry a little, Nick freaked out and held me and soothed me till i calmed down, even when his brother came in he freaked and told him to get out. I love him for that. he held me so close and whispered in my ear till I stopped.

:)
Yeah, my life is good right now, it's somewhat simple (Minus school) and I'm happy :)

Now, I need to make a plan for tuesday, because apparently, my grandmother wants to take me to Mass, to find a prom dress. I love my Memere<3

I'm Sorry

I will start blogging again.
I Promise.

I need to finish Essays for AP English classes and I STILL need to work on that poem I promised to write :/ I feel terrible it's taking me so lonnggg.

I will return!

:D

Corruption

This writing might be a little to graphic for young or sensitive people.
Read at own Caution, I beg you.


This vacation might have been one of the worst vacations I have ever had.
To start, my parents got in a huge fight that I fortunately did not witness. According to my brother who takes the part as "Belgium" Told me that they were arguing about my sister, my dad called my mom an ass and a bitch and she threw a plate and it shattered everywhere. My dad calls me saying to come home and take care of my brother. Mum takes off for the night and I try to cool everything down.

The next morning, my mum comes in my room and throws my duffel bag at me.
"Get up, pack your bag until Wednesday. We're leaving."
"Where are we going?"
"Massachusetts, pack your bag no or so help me you will never see any of your friends." I agree and pack my bag.
3 hours later we arrive in Peabody, Mass where I spend three, long, miserable days with my mother and siblings.

Second, My phone was stolen. It was my life, I had all my contacts, my appointments and my $25 phone cover. Gone.
I drop it in a parking lot, and instead of someone being kind and bringing it in the building, an employee stole it and denied taking it. My dad called the police and filed a report. But, I know it's not going to happen, I know it wont. I might as well cross my fingers and hope I can save my contacts if I get a new phone.

This, oh this, it saved my vacation, my life. It makes me feel real, raw, loved.
I am no longer pure.
I have given myself to him, I have never loved him more and I couldn't be happier. But, this is what happens, after, you feel guilt, you think "Is that it? Will he leave?" Well, after much disscussion, leaving is not his option.
Some will read this, and call me names and say I'm weak or a fool. You can go ahead and say it. But if you do, SAY IT TO MY FACE. I don't need cyber bullying nor do I have a phone you can text, only 4 people have the number.
He cacres about me and will and has done everything for me to show me he cares and to show the love he has. It shows to me that, being yourself, and as the say, honey attracts more bees than vinegar, Anyone will do anything for you, if you return it to them. Love is a two way street, and I find it funny for the people who don't see it.

How can it change so quickly?

I feel as if I may be paranoid because I always lok for a flaw. Nothing is perfect and I know it's not. maybe this is all in my head and Im just looking fo a way to justify it. Im going have to fix this but I dont know how without looking crazy.

I really need someone right now.

Live ya life!

I love my life right now :)
It's so amazing and the people in it make it amazing.
I found my purpose and now Im ready.
I can do this, I have the strength.
living is what matters now.

No day like today.

Apologies and Redemption

My first College Comp. paper. Its suppose to be narrative and close to our hearts. :)

I step out of the warm truck and feel the cool wind around me. It whips through my hair and feels real. The smell of pine and dirt fill my nostrils along with the scent of diesel. It’s magnificent. Nick leads me through a gathering of trees to a clearing facing a small pond. The leaves under our feet crunch as we walk closer to the water. He drops the large pile of wood he’s carrying and begins to pile them together into a teepee form. I turn away and stand on a rock to look at the lake and overview my thoughts and what’s going to happen. He’s going to apologize for all the hurt he caused me. The heartbreak I feel and the loneliness that consumes me every day. We say nothing to each other for what feels like an hour. I can’t turn to face him. Just looking at him brings butterflies to my stomach and makes me miss him even more, making me want to run to him and beg him to hold me again. But I need to be strong.

I face the pond and stare at its beauty. The waves moving back and forth with the tide move the reflective image of the sky above it. The sun in nearly setting and the sky is dark orange and blue and will soon become black. I watch the birds fly across and feel a chill run through my spine and shiver. It’s late November and the winter chill is coming. It’s beginning to get dark earlier and colder than before. I hold myself together trying to gain the strength I need to face him. I don’t even know why I agreed to meet him here. Maybe I just need closure. To move on and save myself the pain already caused. But, maybe something better will come out of this than I have been thinking. Still standing, facing the pond, Nick calls me over and I turn to see a fire ablaze in the center of the clearing. The scent of smoke burns my nostrils and sends a wave of heat through me warming me through my long cold body.

“Are you sure we’re allowed to do this?” I ask. He shrugs he shoulders and sits on the ground, signaling me to do the same. I hesitate for a moment not sure what to do. I’m almost scared to do anything. I feel confused at the same time to this. But, I came here because my heart told me to. I feel as if I need to be here. I need to do what my heart says. I sit next to him and he grabs my hands and holds them close to him. He looks deep into my eyes and doesn’t break the contact.

“I’m so sorry for hurting you. It was wrong and you didn’t deserve it. I was being unkind and cruel. There could’ve been a better way to handle all of what happened. I made the mistake and now I need to pay the price.” The look in his eyes was almost indescribable. It looked as though tears were beginning to form. As if, he really does mean it. That he did miss me, and felt as horrible as I had. I couldn’t ignore him, I couldn’t leave. I’m still frozen and deep within my thoughts trying to figure all this out for myself. The burn in my eyes comes as if I were going to cry. I don’t want to make the same mistake again, yet, he meant it. He wanted me. For who I am as a person. I can’t ignore that. He’s still looking at me waiting for an answer. I need to do what my heart says. I take my hand and brush it across his face. It’s still rough, as if he hasn’t shaved in a long while. I look deep into his eyes to feel the sorrow, the anguish and the regret. I squeeze his hands to show that I comprehend. Words still don’t come out. I don’t know what to say. What can I say?


I break the contact and look to the lake. I need to stare away at something to help me. I look to the pond and remember that it didn’t always look that beautiful. Everything takes work and effort. At that moment I knew what I needed to do and say.“I forgive you. If we get back together, we both need to work together as a team to be happy. We need to be honest with each other and tell each other everything. No secrets. This time around, let’s give it our all.” He looks at me and smiles the most beautiful and truthful smile I have ever seen from him. He wraps his arms around me and holds me there. I press my face into his chest and smell a mix of his cologne and wood. How I missed the sweet smell of comfort and safety. His hand reaches across my face and holds me for a moment in his hands. His kisses me and I fall into a state of dizziness and happiness. The warmth returns to my body and I no longer feel cold. I feel my face turn red I can’t help but smile. The warmth has never left my body. Even now, it still remains.

Where am I gonna go?

So, lately, Ive been thinking about moving out and liberating myself from this house. Im not really sure why, but it's been on my mind a lot.
Maybe Im just desperate? I dont know. It's just here, at this house, it's never felt like home. Ive always felt like a guest here who's just staying a while.
I want my own place. Somewhere to live and make it my own. Mine. Something that belongs to me.
The arguing here is getting worse too. Every day it escalades. I hate it. I cover my ears and just cry. I can't stand it anymore.
I just want to leave.
When Im 18, which is still somewhat far away, I need to leave.
But here are the problems,
No money,
No where to go.
I have only guy friends, and it would be weird to live with one of them.
Nick will be hours away.

Im just going to have to live in a refridgerator box until I get some sort of income.
Somehow. . .

I cant wait until Im 18.
As soon as Nov. 6 rolls around, im packing my shit and moving out.
I dont know where Im gonna go.

But its better than here. . .

I havent really felt like blogging for a while, or writing for that matter. Im not really sure why and It's really starting to bother me. I feel like, that, no matter what I say here, no one will read it or in that matter really care what I have to say. because even through I have literally poured myself over the keyboard to let my feelings out so everyone knows how I feel, I dont really get a response. It just kinda sits here and does its thing. Maybe Im just being an attention whore or something. Ive been beating myself down lately and its not helping my esteem. I dont really like putting on a persona either. I guess im kinda just drifting there waiting for something to happen.

We'll see what comes next.

You all are pissing me off to no end.
This is really my LAST rant about this entire thing.
Time I tell everyone how Im feeling about this.
You all lied to me, saying you love me and stick my me NO MATTER what.
Were these past few months a lie?
being my friend? just so you wont hurt me. I feel lied to and torn every which way.
Im not even a person anymore.
Well, Ive been called every name I can think of.
I know its my fault.
It was MY choice
Its sad you couldnt accept it, Ive accepted a hell of a lot of choices you made.
Friendship isnt what it used to be.

Im being a bitch right nowm and I know it, but how else am I suppose to act? I was backed in a corner and forced to make a choice

a choiceless choice.

Well, I made it

Thanks for being there.

I cant be sorry

You closed the door on what we had, it wasnt me, so dont tell people that.
I was willing to work it out, you didnt want to
So, Ive shed my tears, Im climbing out of my hole and Im moving on,
if you want to come back, I wont judge you
You dont want me, so i'll erase myself from you,
which is what you want anyway

I dont think youll last though
you need to have the attention on you, im not being mean, Im being honest, as bitchy and creul as honesty is, people need to hear it, living off of lies arent right, so I can never lie to you
I talked about this with someone very smart and faces it all the time.
She said that from what she heard from me and others, you feel jealous that someone is taking my attention, that there is a third party now, and you cant stand it.
As hard as I tried to work through it,
it failed.
so she told me to wait it out and see whats going to happen, be happy with what you have.
thats what Im going to do
thank every day for the loves of my life.

How long is forever?

its been forever. Since ive seen your face, heard your voice. And tomorrow, I will see you again. Feel you hold me tight. butterflies are invading me. twisting me every which way I can possibly imagine.

I got a journal for Christmas, I really needed it. Ive been writing in it nonestop, poems, thoughts and the raw emotions I feel at that moment. Its my new therepy returning to life again. How I missed it.

I know now that Im taking serious changes in my life, upon re-reading my journal from sophmore year, I realized it was a hard, raw year. It was difficult, and Im actually surprised I got through it. As I read it, I see now that those events and words and thoughts have turned me to a new direction, I feel as though Im in rehab, still battling, but healing.
Now Im ready to heal once and for all. I have you, and I have my best friend who will do ANYTHING for me. Its all I really need. Love. Pure love will get me through my past and help me become a stronger girl, a woman. I now admit, Im a smart, beautiful, charming woman, Ive become an adult. And now, Im facing everything head on, I can do it. And with you one either side of me, supporting me, we can do it. We can face everything and anything that comes our way.

Im not a solo act anymore.