it's a long run

So, I was talking to Amy today and she said,
"Ian's blog was so amazing that I couldnt contain myself. He even mentioned you." I thought to myself, 'let's be a stalker today' just kidding, I read it for curiosity to see if Ian was doing ok. Even though we dont talk, I still worry about his well being that he wont relapse.
Anyway, I read it and realized, a lot has happened in the past year. New relationships, old one dying, rekindeling(sp?)
I lost more people than I got, which, in reality makes me really sad. But then I rationalized AFTER I did the action.
If they can't accept my choice, why were you my friend? I mean, that Someone I wanted to try a relationship with, and you leave? It makes me so sad, but I wanted to give this a shot, thinking you'll see I'm happy and come back. I'm still hoping for that day I get the phone call.

I think, I changed for the better though. I remember when I would cut myself and feel the endorphins realese. I finally felt happy. But then, when people saw, I felt awful which made me want to cut more so I would feel better. I hid myself away and isolated myself with books. I grew out my hair so no one could see me. I hated myself, I could never express myself because I was scared of rejection. That was middle school and half of high school.
I started to go through my clothes too. I have A LOT of black haha. There's still fragments of the old me that wont ever go away(my love for books haha) but there's a lot of me that's new.

Someone I look up to is Lady GaGa. You may laugh, but she's such a strong woman. I know she dresses weird but it's who she is as a woman, and she doesnt give a damn what anyone thinks. Thats how I want to live. Carefree of what anyone thinks of me to help myself not relapse into my old way. I think she's so fantastic and strong. People may make fun of her but as she said "Let them think what they want, no one's opinion cares but my own." I look up to her, and one day, I hope I can.