Still Standing

Sooo. . . . . Today was. . . Content? I guess you could say. I don't really know. But a lot of stuff happened last night, and Im glad it did.

Ian called me.
When my phone started vibrating i was think "Oh it's prolly Amy" but when I look at the number. . . . . . it's Ian. Odd? Yes very.
I picked up the phone and listened to what he had to say. It was magical (yes corny I know). He said he was here. He knew I needed someone. I was so happy. I missed him a lot. Im just so godamn stubborn. And i hate it. I was literally smiling the entire phone conversation, you made me feel welcomed again, like I had a purpose and a friend to talk to. Not just one to tell everything to. But you too. And Im so happy about that. I hope you have a small idea of how happy this makes me.

And to Katie, I don't think you will ever read this, but it needs to come out now instead of never.

You are my sister, I love you so much. And I can't believe I actually left. I can't believe myself. When the dust settled and I'd finally seen what I'd done, I was kicking myself
"Why do you have to be so godamn stupid! You Bitch! You let her go!" That voice screamed in my head everyday I thought of you. Which was every day. I shed so many tears because of my own doing. Because he made me "smile" for such a short time. I was so foolish. I only think with my heart. I think it was because I was feeling so isolated and so desperate for someone or happiness. When Nick swooped in, he came in and healed me. Or, at least did for a short time. And then, when he ended it, I was so angry, I couldn't control how I was feeling. that weekend, I just sat there with my uncles. I didnt speak or eat. I was. . . just. . gone. But now Im back. Katie, Im so sorry I know Iv'e been saying it overr and over but i need to Im sorry and I miss you and love you so much. I need you again. I miss staying up late eating some odd concoction we made while we laugh together as two sisters, living our lives in two seperate worlds but still one. I miss hugging and holding you. Us crying on each others shoulders when we need to. I miss dancing to our japanese techno music too. I miss our parties where we raped Ian and Brandon. I love you so much and beg for you to forgive me.
Im on my knees now. . .

Taylor, my god I feel so terrible for this. Like I said last night, I miss you so much! I think I hurt you the most because you had to watch me. AND you heard Nick talk about me. I will never understand how much that hurt you to hear than me completely ignoring it. Its my fault and I know it. Ive seen my error and connot live with it anymore. Everyday that I see you, even today, a pang rips through my heart of pain for what Ive done. Even today, I had to run to the bathroom so you couldnt see my tears. I miss laughing with you, being your friend and talking about how awesome Mr. Silvera is. I really do love you as a friend and you saved Katie. You pulled her up more than I ever could and I am forever in your debt because of that. There are even days where I just want to collapse in your arms and cry and knowing that you would hold me and talk me through it and help me gain the courage once again to go on and be happy.


Once again, I am so sorry for everything, all I've done, was indeed, bitchy and stupid and ignorant. I see it now, and Im so angry I didn't see it before. Im still kicking myself for it all.

Please forgive me. . . .

*So now it's time for me to spread my wings and fly away toward the light with my head held high*

Unbelievable

You've sunk this low.
I can't believe it.
You actually said that?
You were going to try and "Get me back"? YOU dumped ME. You really expect me to go back to that? I think not. You set me off. I could no longer control my limbs. The anger surged. I wanted to break your window. Smash it to pieces, just like you did to my heart. I kept pounding my feet to the ground. Unstoppable.
And you couldn't even look at me.
You coward. You use to always speak of how if someone gave you shit, you would stand up to them. Well, I did. And what did you do? Nothing at all.

Coward.

That's all I see you as. You had to lock the door and turn your music up. Im done with this, when I left, I was shaking, still no control over my body. I started to cry. As many looked on. I didn't care what they thought. You hurt me beyond repair.

But there is hope.

There is someone you know well, He's a sweetheart. He's kind. He may not know it yet, but Ive liked him for years. Since middle school. I just never really gained the courage to tell him. But now, with these open eyes, I think I can.

He makes me smile. TRULY smile.

And you may try to gain pity from me, you won't. the pity has dried up. It's gone

I hope you have fun with her, the short lived emotionless relationship you want with her.


*So now Ive hit the ground, neck snapped and blood pooling around. No one caught me. Surprised? Im certainly not.*

Finally. . .

I feel peace,

Happiness.

Finally, after all this time, it's happened. I feel free. A weight has been lifted off of me. I can finally spread my wings and fly and reach for what's there for me. I now know. It's true to me. You were not meant for me. you were a rebound. A recovery. and you shattered of what was left of my heart. But you know what? Now, I'm picking up the pieaces, and moving away from you, your negativity and hate, your self-loathing. I can smile again now. Not a fake one. One that truly shows my happiness.

I don't need you anymore, yes I miss you, but I needn't you anymore. It's my life. I don't have to share it with anyone. ic an be happy on my own.

With the few friends that remain, I know I can do it.

What We Had

Remember those days? When we would just lay there on your bed and stare at each other? Pouring our hearts out. Our pasts. Why we are the way we are. What makes us special. Heck, we were planning our future, sortaish. It was fun. I was so happy. And so were you.

When I would drive to your house along Whitehall and Chester, The whole way, butterflies; they would bust in and flutter away with excitment and with nervousness. Will I do something foolish? No, You would just smile at me and look at me with those eyes.

Remember when we helped your mom? We put up decorations. And you said "When we live together, I'll watch you put up the decorations in the cute way you are now. Because I can't. I just want to watch you." I almost fainted with happiness. When my uncle died, and I came back from the funeral, I was in all black, you made fun of me, you made me laugh after a day of tears. You played optimistic country music to make me feel better. and it did. That day was when i knew I could and would love you. I thought we would be like that forever. In love, with each other.

But that can't happen. All that's left now are memories. They make me cry, but they make me strong. I don't think we could ever be that happy again. The things you said to me, you did not mean, your pushing me away for some reason. I don't know why, I probably never will.

Remember those nights? Where you held me tight. you kissed my forehead and say "be happy, it could be worse"
"Yeah, I wouldn't be with you." at that moment you smiled and kissed me so hard. I couldn't let you go. I still can't. you may think you have, but your wrong, Im still here, I'll leave you "Alone" and if you do need me, you better get down on your knees and apologize and mean it. Im not going to fall in love again and get my heart broken. I gave you a chance, and you didn't even use it.

You may think I don't love you and that it's too soon for me to love, but don't ever question my love. I Still feel love for you. As creul as you were. You were not yourself. But, I guess it is what it is.

Now, Im going to walk with my head high, the tears have been shed, my heart has been broken and it's slowly fixing itself, no else is going to, so it's all up to me. I have to pick up MY pieces. MY life. No one's here, so it's up to me. I'll put on a smile and try to "Move on and get over it" as you so kindly say.

But, when you think back, remember those days and nights when we were together. Just think back and remember, why would you give that up? And if you could have it back, would you take it?

It's Over

I hope your happy now, youve ended it all. We worked so hard to try and make it work. And you just give up? Wow. Just wow. That makes me feel so great. I just can't believe this. but at the same time, I do. But now, I feel as though a weight of worry has been lifted, I know I was never good enough, I never am. In every relationship I remind him of some other love. Now I don't even fee like me anymore. but Im not going to let you bother me because my misery will just feed your satisfaction, that goes to multiple people that will probably never read this. but I hope they do, so they know how fucked up they made my life.

Now Im done, Im so fucking done with this bullshit. I dont even want to bother holding my language because Im so angry and frustrated. I can't stand people coming and going.

And the fact that you LAUGH at me. You fucking laughed at me because I got dumped so unexpectadly. I cannot believe you. That is a new low, even for you. Just seeing your smiling face as I told my friend about my misery you laugh. Unbelievable. You have no idea. Not one. He broke my heart OVER A TEXT MESSAGE. Like I dont feel like shit enough? Thanks. Just thanks so much for being an asshole.

Im leaving this weekend. I hope I never come back. . .

Im on my knees

What's wrong? Please tell me. I need to know. Something is inside of you. This torment, turmoil, I need to know. Don't you realize that by not telling me your hurting me? Im here to help you. I want to love you and help you through this no matter how hard it is. This relationship is not a one way street. It takes two people to make this relationship work. I can't do it alone and you can't either, and now that youve shut me out. . .I can't help you. My heart is breaking because you wont let me in. I feel isolated and not as important to you as i should feel.

I beg of you, please, PLEASE tell me, let me in your head, tell me everything, pour your heart out to me. Just please, Im on my knees now. You have to help me help you.

What a Situation

At the begining of junior year, I hadn't quite looked into the future as I should have. I din't know this was going to happen. As the new term began, I had a boyfriend(No names at all) For at least a year. At the time we were fighting frequently and trying to work things out. I was getting so frustrated that my body and welfare couldn't handle it anymore. I tried to end the relationship as calmly and as civilized as I could. I was very wrong. He took it terribly and would constantly call, text and torment me. Well, no quite torment, but just adding salt to the wound as I should say.

As the weeks pressed on, I was once again becoming self sufficient and able to take care of myself, at the time I was becoming extreamly close to my best friends ex. we clicked immediatly and began to talk at all hours of the day. I soon found out that he liked me and I liked him too. But, there was a problem. A close friend of mine overheard him speaking horrible things about me. Slandering me to no end. When I was informed, I couldn't handle it, I isolated myself and thought everything over. I went to see him the next day to tell him of this news. When I tild him he apologized. Not just apologize, really feel about this. I could see it in his eyes that the way he said it was creul and unkind. He knew. He promised me on our future relationship that he would never do that. the problem was that he didnt know me as person. He had only seen me as a cute girl at the time. but now he knows who I really am. I gave him a second chance. I believe in giving people chances.

When my ex found about my forgivness, he called and completely lost it. he screamed in my ear horrible things tha will never leave my head. these words are burned into my memory, they will never leave me. scarring me for eternity.
My best friend who doesnt live in the city whom I have known for many years had not met this boy. She had only heard things from what others haave said. She called me and said "If you continue to be with him, I will never speak to you again" Those words pained my heart and ripped it out then and there. I couldn't believe she said that. my closest friend, my sister. She said those words to me. I couldnt handle it. My head shoved the words away and forgot them. I decided to give her space and let things play themselves out for a while.

As weeks pass again, I was still becoming increasingly closer to this boy. He was so kind to me and helping me and supporting me. he would call just to make sure I was ok and that I was doing fine. My best friend who goes to school with me at one point did not agree with our friendship because she still had feelings for him. after many tears and talking, she finally accepted that they were over and that she can move on with her life. I was so happy to hear this. I was happy for her that she could move on te bigger and better things, she now is almost falling for my ex, but he does not see her, he sees someone else. It breaks my heart that he can be so blind as to not see what an amazing young woman in front of him and instead turns her away.

And now as we approach the present, I am now with this boy, we are indeed dating and he has lifted me up beyond anything. I feel it in my heart that he is in true caring. He sees me for ME. Not for what I look like, for who I am as a person, as a reader, writer, athlete and movie buff :) He likes me for my head, not for my body. He listens to me and supports me in this situation. He is constantly pushing me to reconcile with my friend. And he truly is kind. He may not show it on the outside, but inside, I see it. The sensibility he has is remarkable. He has been hurt in the past, the reasons for some of his actions, but now, I feel like Im changing that. As if I, was opening his heart again to what the world can truly offer and that it's not all cold and creul as he had thought. Wow, I am rambling, I need to get back on the focused topic.

Now that we are indeed together, I am ready to throw the towel in on the fact of my friends, they will not accept that I cannot leave him now, he needs me and I need him. As much as I miss her and want to speak to her again, I know she won't. Im so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Crying myself to sleep all the time is not helping me. I need to move on, to start anew. My heart is being torn up if i stay in this one attitude, I need to break away and spread my wings and fly up to new things.

What the future holds, I will never know, but I do know He will be graduating and it terrifies me that he will be leaving so soon, so right now, Im going to live it up. Live my life to the fullest. No day but today. We will be together, we'll be happy, I know that much for sure, and I know I do have a few people to back me up and catch me. She will be here for me. We have two more years together, and we'll always have each other. :)
That is the end of my first blog! Im happy now, it's all out there, I feel better, if you know that your in this, congrats for figuring it out, and if you have a problem, go shove it up your ass, I'm done with bullshit and drama. Im just going to keep smiling and living my life.