Memories call upon tears

I cant get this out of my mind.
It replays in my head all the time.
what can I do?
I don't want to sit here alone
but I cant do anything
I dont want to anger more people
I have to stay
and accept all my faults

A few days ago, I was struck by a memory. And I couldnt get it out of my head so I decided to dig further, knowing it would hurt. I took out an old video from my middle school, and watched it. I could not stop crying. I sat there for an hour watching the fallen faces of my friends. Seeing them all happy, with me, makes me so sad.
Then, I saw her. My heart felt like a lump and another flood of tears escaped my eyes. I couldnt control it. I miss her and I want to do something about it. But I know if I do, I will get backlash, severely. I did try though.

"We can never be friends again."

And It's all my fault.

This always happens, I come back from one of the most amazing weekends of my life, and everything crumbles when I get back. I've been hit full fledge on the reality.
In three months, he's gone.
An hour away. And I'm stuck here, trying to finish high school.

I don't have any idea what's going to happen come fall, and it terrifies me beyond belief.

I'm so scared.

it's a long run

So, I was talking to Amy today and she said,
"Ian's blog was so amazing that I couldnt contain myself. He even mentioned you." I thought to myself, 'let's be a stalker today' just kidding, I read it for curiosity to see if Ian was doing ok. Even though we dont talk, I still worry about his well being that he wont relapse.
Anyway, I read it and realized, a lot has happened in the past year. New relationships, old one dying, rekindeling(sp?)
I lost more people than I got, which, in reality makes me really sad. But then I rationalized AFTER I did the action.
If they can't accept my choice, why were you my friend? I mean, that Someone I wanted to try a relationship with, and you leave? It makes me so sad, but I wanted to give this a shot, thinking you'll see I'm happy and come back. I'm still hoping for that day I get the phone call.

I think, I changed for the better though. I remember when I would cut myself and feel the endorphins realese. I finally felt happy. But then, when people saw, I felt awful which made me want to cut more so I would feel better. I hid myself away and isolated myself with books. I grew out my hair so no one could see me. I hated myself, I could never express myself because I was scared of rejection. That was middle school and half of high school.
I started to go through my clothes too. I have A LOT of black haha. There's still fragments of the old me that wont ever go away(my love for books haha) but there's a lot of me that's new.

Someone I look up to is Lady GaGa. You may laugh, but she's such a strong woman. I know she dresses weird but it's who she is as a woman, and she doesnt give a damn what anyone thinks. Thats how I want to live. Carefree of what anyone thinks of me to help myself not relapse into my old way. I think she's so fantastic and strong. People may make fun of her but as she said "Let them think what they want, no one's opinion cares but my own." I look up to her, and one day, I hope I can.

Change is good for the Soul

I want to be fully happy.

I don't want regrets anymore for the decisions I make. They are my choices and I should be happy with them.

"You aren't going out tonight. I'm taking your car."
"Thanks for asking mum."

I'm sick of having choices made for me. I'm 17 years old, I may act like a child, but I know when to be an adult at the same time.
It also sucks because I feel like a normal teenager by hating my parents. But to be honest, does everyone elses Mum beat the shit out of them emotionally and physically.

Divorce brings out the evil in everyone.

Daddy, don't go. Don't leave me with her. Please Daddy, Save me.

I can't watch it anymore, I feel negativity flow within me. I need to fly. Feel the wind blow through my hair. Smell the ocean again and let it burn my nostrils.

Summer is too far away.

For now though, I turn on disturbed and let it flow through my veins.
Close my eyes and shut me down.
Let me float away in peace.

I needn't you

If your not my friend, stay out of my business and I don't need it disscussed around other people. Mind your own business and leave my life alone. You already left it once, just make up your mind.

We learn from mistakes

So. . . recently, Ive had a change. And, I'm not sure how to feel about it.

When I finally stood up for myself and told him to stop berating me, something happened.

She texted me. I was initally in shock and didn't know what to say or do. I still don't to be honest.
People have told me to stay away because I could get hurt again and have to go through the same emotional distress I did 2 months ago.

Part of me wants to go back to the way it was, but part of me is aprehensive and scared.

We need to talk about this.
I need to know WHY your sorry and what caused this.
I want to be there for you so badly, but I need to know face to face.

Sort of an update. . ish. .

I feel like now, with less major people in my life, I'm not as stressed out as I was. I'm not dealing with bitchy drama who wont get over boys, or the narcissitic assholes who try to change me. I feel much more simple. :)

I feel a new me coming :) I went shopping last week, and I didnt head for hot topic as soon as I got there, I did go of course, but it's not my major store. I want to express myself theough how I dress, and it makes me happy when people stop me and say "Hey, you look really pretty" It makes my heart leap and it makes me love myself for who I am. I care about how I look now and I feel amazing :D

I've also rekindled with old friends, many people don't like Brad, but he cares about me. I called him at midnight, crying, and he listened to me. He listened to me while he was getting out of work and stayed up to help me and I love him for that<3

Im not that sad little girl anymore who cuts herself to feel better. I have friends and a boyfriend who will listen to me. I was so upset yesterday, that I started to cry a little, Nick freaked out and held me and soothed me till i calmed down, even when his brother came in he freaked and told him to get out. I love him for that. he held me so close and whispered in my ear till I stopped.

:)
Yeah, my life is good right now, it's somewhat simple (Minus school) and I'm happy :)

Now, I need to make a plan for tuesday, because apparently, my grandmother wants to take me to Mass, to find a prom dress. I love my Memere<3