Apologies and Redemption

My first College Comp. paper. Its suppose to be narrative and close to our hearts. :)

I step out of the warm truck and feel the cool wind around me. It whips through my hair and feels real. The smell of pine and dirt fill my nostrils along with the scent of diesel. It’s magnificent. Nick leads me through a gathering of trees to a clearing facing a small pond. The leaves under our feet crunch as we walk closer to the water. He drops the large pile of wood he’s carrying and begins to pile them together into a teepee form. I turn away and stand on a rock to look at the lake and overview my thoughts and what’s going to happen. He’s going to apologize for all the hurt he caused me. The heartbreak I feel and the loneliness that consumes me every day. We say nothing to each other for what feels like an hour. I can’t turn to face him. Just looking at him brings butterflies to my stomach and makes me miss him even more, making me want to run to him and beg him to hold me again. But I need to be strong.

I face the pond and stare at its beauty. The waves moving back and forth with the tide move the reflective image of the sky above it. The sun in nearly setting and the sky is dark orange and blue and will soon become black. I watch the birds fly across and feel a chill run through my spine and shiver. It’s late November and the winter chill is coming. It’s beginning to get dark earlier and colder than before. I hold myself together trying to gain the strength I need to face him. I don’t even know why I agreed to meet him here. Maybe I just need closure. To move on and save myself the pain already caused. But, maybe something better will come out of this than I have been thinking. Still standing, facing the pond, Nick calls me over and I turn to see a fire ablaze in the center of the clearing. The scent of smoke burns my nostrils and sends a wave of heat through me warming me through my long cold body.

“Are you sure we’re allowed to do this?” I ask. He shrugs he shoulders and sits on the ground, signaling me to do the same. I hesitate for a moment not sure what to do. I’m almost scared to do anything. I feel confused at the same time to this. But, I came here because my heart told me to. I feel as if I need to be here. I need to do what my heart says. I sit next to him and he grabs my hands and holds them close to him. He looks deep into my eyes and doesn’t break the contact.

“I’m so sorry for hurting you. It was wrong and you didn’t deserve it. I was being unkind and cruel. There could’ve been a better way to handle all of what happened. I made the mistake and now I need to pay the price.” The look in his eyes was almost indescribable. It looked as though tears were beginning to form. As if, he really does mean it. That he did miss me, and felt as horrible as I had. I couldn’t ignore him, I couldn’t leave. I’m still frozen and deep within my thoughts trying to figure all this out for myself. The burn in my eyes comes as if I were going to cry. I don’t want to make the same mistake again, yet, he meant it. He wanted me. For who I am as a person. I can’t ignore that. He’s still looking at me waiting for an answer. I need to do what my heart says. I take my hand and brush it across his face. It’s still rough, as if he hasn’t shaved in a long while. I look deep into his eyes to feel the sorrow, the anguish and the regret. I squeeze his hands to show that I comprehend. Words still don’t come out. I don’t know what to say. What can I say?


I break the contact and look to the lake. I need to stare away at something to help me. I look to the pond and remember that it didn’t always look that beautiful. Everything takes work and effort. At that moment I knew what I needed to do and say.“I forgive you. If we get back together, we both need to work together as a team to be happy. We need to be honest with each other and tell each other everything. No secrets. This time around, let’s give it our all.” He looks at me and smiles the most beautiful and truthful smile I have ever seen from him. He wraps his arms around me and holds me there. I press my face into his chest and smell a mix of his cologne and wood. How I missed the sweet smell of comfort and safety. His hand reaches across my face and holds me for a moment in his hands. His kisses me and I fall into a state of dizziness and happiness. The warmth returns to my body and I no longer feel cold. I feel my face turn red I can’t help but smile. The warmth has never left my body. Even now, it still remains.

Where am I gonna go?

So, lately, Ive been thinking about moving out and liberating myself from this house. Im not really sure why, but it's been on my mind a lot.
Maybe Im just desperate? I dont know. It's just here, at this house, it's never felt like home. Ive always felt like a guest here who's just staying a while.
I want my own place. Somewhere to live and make it my own. Mine. Something that belongs to me.
The arguing here is getting worse too. Every day it escalades. I hate it. I cover my ears and just cry. I can't stand it anymore.
I just want to leave.
When Im 18, which is still somewhat far away, I need to leave.
But here are the problems,
No money,
No where to go.
I have only guy friends, and it would be weird to live with one of them.
Nick will be hours away.

Im just going to have to live in a refridgerator box until I get some sort of income.
Somehow. . .

I cant wait until Im 18.
As soon as Nov. 6 rolls around, im packing my shit and moving out.
I dont know where Im gonna go.

But its better than here. . .

I havent really felt like blogging for a while, or writing for that matter. Im not really sure why and It's really starting to bother me. I feel like, that, no matter what I say here, no one will read it or in that matter really care what I have to say. because even through I have literally poured myself over the keyboard to let my feelings out so everyone knows how I feel, I dont really get a response. It just kinda sits here and does its thing. Maybe Im just being an attention whore or something. Ive been beating myself down lately and its not helping my esteem. I dont really like putting on a persona either. I guess im kinda just drifting there waiting for something to happen.

We'll see what comes next.

You all are pissing me off to no end.
This is really my LAST rant about this entire thing.
Time I tell everyone how Im feeling about this.
You all lied to me, saying you love me and stick my me NO MATTER what.
Were these past few months a lie?
being my friend? just so you wont hurt me. I feel lied to and torn every which way.
Im not even a person anymore.
Well, Ive been called every name I can think of.
I know its my fault.
It was MY choice
Its sad you couldnt accept it, Ive accepted a hell of a lot of choices you made.
Friendship isnt what it used to be.

Im being a bitch right nowm and I know it, but how else am I suppose to act? I was backed in a corner and forced to make a choice

a choiceless choice.

Well, I made it

Thanks for being there.

I cant be sorry

You closed the door on what we had, it wasnt me, so dont tell people that.
I was willing to work it out, you didnt want to
So, Ive shed my tears, Im climbing out of my hole and Im moving on,
if you want to come back, I wont judge you
You dont want me, so i'll erase myself from you,
which is what you want anyway

I dont think youll last though
you need to have the attention on you, im not being mean, Im being honest, as bitchy and creul as honesty is, people need to hear it, living off of lies arent right, so I can never lie to you
I talked about this with someone very smart and faces it all the time.
She said that from what she heard from me and others, you feel jealous that someone is taking my attention, that there is a third party now, and you cant stand it.
As hard as I tried to work through it,
it failed.
so she told me to wait it out and see whats going to happen, be happy with what you have.
thats what Im going to do
thank every day for the loves of my life.

How long is forever?

its been forever. Since ive seen your face, heard your voice. And tomorrow, I will see you again. Feel you hold me tight. butterflies are invading me. twisting me every which way I can possibly imagine.

I got a journal for Christmas, I really needed it. Ive been writing in it nonestop, poems, thoughts and the raw emotions I feel at that moment. Its my new therepy returning to life again. How I missed it.

I know now that Im taking serious changes in my life, upon re-reading my journal from sophmore year, I realized it was a hard, raw year. It was difficult, and Im actually surprised I got through it. As I read it, I see now that those events and words and thoughts have turned me to a new direction, I feel as though Im in rehab, still battling, but healing.
Now Im ready to heal once and for all. I have you, and I have my best friend who will do ANYTHING for me. Its all I really need. Love. Pure love will get me through my past and help me become a stronger girl, a woman. I now admit, Im a smart, beautiful, charming woman, Ive become an adult. And now, Im facing everything head on, I can do it. And with you one either side of me, supporting me, we can do it. We can face everything and anything that comes our way.

Im not a solo act anymore.